Yes, I know. It’s been almost three months. I haven’t posted. I haven’t joked. I haven’t added any new HILARIOUS gifs to your repertoire. I’d like to say it’s because I’m incredibly busy (lie #1. I’ve been sitting on my couch binge-watching Game of Thrones. Guys, it’s so good AND THERE ARE SO MANY BUTTS.) Or that I have been sticking to my health plan and didn’t feel the need to update (lie #2. YEA RIGHT. You try going on a cruise and not gaining 5 lbs because of all the free shit.) Orrrrrr maybe I have met the man of my dreams and I’ve been occupied with cuddling, dinners out, and lots of crazy sex (Lie #3. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MEN ON OKCUPID? This is a hard NO.)
The hard truth is, I’ve thought a lot about writing a new post for a long time, but I haven’t had anything to really say. My weight has gone up and down (mostly up) and I hadn’t found a solid foundation to cling to. I’ve felt very out of control a lot of the time when it came to my overeating disorder (we’ll get into that another day) and would eat whatever I wanted without a single thought to my weight or health. While my confidence has significantly improved since starting therapy, I still didn’t feel the drive to really take care of myself. Untiiiillllll nooooowwwww! (Gary, that’s your cue, open the curtain. Gary. GARY. THE CURTAIN. GARY.)
(Jesus, Gary, go clean yourself up.)
Over the past few months, I’ve been paying for Weight Watchers. And every few weeks I’d attend a meeting. I avoided a few, admittedly, because I’d either not tracked at all, or I was feeling down about my body, or I didn’t make the time. But when I went on vacation a few weeks ago (thanks for the free croooose Georgia!), I had a lot of time to reflect on why I was unhappy with my body, what I wanted, and how I could achieve it. I also had the opportunity to eat lots of wonderfully prepared, delicious food, which in a strange yet brilliant way opened my eyes to one big idea: food should be an experience, something to remember, an enjoyable act that also fuels your body. I had spent so so SO much time using food as a medication, as a suppressant, that I no longer appreciated it. Instead of enjoying meals, I was shoving it in my mouth to not feel hungry any more, to fill the void I felt in more places than just my stomach. What I used to push down with alcohol was now being covered by another addiction. So I was sitting on this cruise, uncomfortable in my bathing suit, covering up any extra skin I was self-conscious about, and I decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I wanted to enjoy food when it was meant to be enjoyed (which should be ALL THE TIME) but I’d enjoy it in moderation. I’d fuel my body with smart choices while treating myself every once in a while. I’d keep myself in check and accountable for my actions while also being aware that mistakes can happen, and I can always bounce back. YES, I WAS READY.
So when I got back from my vacation, I gave myself two days to get all my urges and needs out (this included a lot of Jack’s Pizza) and then Monday evening, I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting.
“First? But Erin, you beautiful, genius, unattainable goddess, I thought you’ve been doing WW for almost four year?”
Why yes, dear reader, you are correct! But what I didn’t realize is that at this new meeting, we’d be presented with a brand new plan Weight Watchers was coming out with, their “Beyond the Scale” program. It completely revamped their approach as well as their points system. Now, instead of PointsPlus, they’re moving to SmartPoints. So instead of counting fat, carbs, fiber and protein, they are basing points off of the calorie count, then adding points for more sugar and saturated fat and reducing points for more protein. They’re also focusing on other aspects of human health, such as mental relaxation, opportunities to better yourself, to find rewards in more than just weight loss. It’s a major shift from what they’ve done in the past. And… I… (said in the Oprah voice) LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE IIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!
I’m not going to go into too much detail (but if you have any questions or want to know more PLEASE contact me, I’d love to help AND we can be WW buddies!) but this change is exactly what I needed. I feel like I’ve started a whole new health journey and it’s coming very easily to me. When I started WW almost four years ago, both my mom and I lost weight really quickly. The plan felt easy, like I barely had to make an effort to watch my portion size or make a better choice, and I lost about 30 lbs in three months. But then I moved to the city and changed jobs, and completely fell off the wagon. And over that time I tried to find that spark, that light I felt the first few months, tried to feel that easiness in eating healthy and being active. I’ve quit and restarted so many times, trying other programs in the process to minimal success. And I went into this meeting last week not expecting this big change. But it’s something that I already know is shifting my outlook on health. I’m barely eating sugar, opting to use those points on healthier, more filling food. I’ve had to let go of my beloved Starbucks Chai Lattes because, even though they were tall and non-fat, they went from 4 to 8 points! I’ve also upped my protein and vegetable intake and stayed away from refined carbs. It’s amazing how good I feel and how much my body is already changing- I lost 5.8lbs my first week!
And I know, I KNOW that I’m in the honeymoon stage, and that it will get more difficult. I’ll be stressed or broke or both and want to go for unhealthy options. I’ll want to skip the gym all week or sit on the couch and finish a bowl of popcorn. But for now, I’m embracing this new change, I am LOVING how I feel, and I hope that I have the drive and enough love for myself to continue until I reach my goal.
292 days sober, 252.2 lbs.