Day 15: Atonement

Honesty is a tough thing to balance.  You can promise honesty to a person and completely mean it, and then find yourself telling little white lies to either spare their feelings or save yourself from confrontation or fighting.  Honesty is easy with some (your best friend, a trusted partner) and difficult with others (your parents, strangers).  I think the hardest part of being honest is how scary it can be.  Being truthful means you are completely exposing yourself, hiding nothing from the judging eyes of others (I know this isn’t how it always is, but isn’t that where our mind automatically goes?  To the worst possible scenario?)

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Honesty is easy when you’re giving good truths.  It’s simple when your weight is down.  It’s amazing when you’ve gone to the gym every day in the week and when you’re clothes are fitting better.  When is honesty hard?  When you had a terrible week on a health plan.  When you didn’t get to the gym once or even go for a long walk.  When you indulged far too often on two different trips and then ended the week with a Grub Hub order that did not include one piece of vegetables.  When you woke up feeling every bite of fat, sugar, and caffeine sitting in your body like a ton of bricks.  And it’s REALLY hard when you get on that scale on Monday morning and realize that your weight went UP yet AGAIN.  So here it is, pals.  Just imagine me cringing as I type this, because I am.

Current weight: 254.5.  Up 5lbs since last week.

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Yea yea yea yeayeayeayeayeayeayea I knoooooow it’s my body gaining water weight with the salt I ingested, and that not working out led to many more calories, and blah blah blah I still feel like crap about it.   My dad and I were talking about it last night and he asked me why I went so far off track, and at first my mind raced with every reason I could think of “I had no time between travelling, work, and rehearsal to work out”, “I was on vacation, I wanted to indulge a bit”, “I had no way of packing multiple meals because I couldn’t chill them.”  While much of that is true in some sense, looking back at this week, I realized that there were many areas I could’ve improved upon.  I could’ve taken the little free time I had an either gone for a long walk with my dog or done a small workout at home.  I could’ve eaten the meals that I DID pack instead of going straight for the fast food I’ve been actively avoiding.  I also could’ve been writing about my struggles instead of pushing them down with food and laziness.

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But that was last week, and a new one has begun.  I’ve already been sticking to the food plan to a “t” these last two days and I’ve planned out my gym time.  I’m not leaving the state for the near future so I’m able to focus on my meals, my workouts, as well as the emotions that come with all of it.  And as easy as it is and as much as I want to beat myself up over last week, I have to focus on all the good I can do this week to live a healthier, happier life.  It would be unfair to me and the work I’ve already put in to dwell on my past mistakes or let them affect my future decisions.  I just have to let it go and proceed with the knowledge that I can do this and that it is a battle worth fighting.

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-E Daly

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